Alaina was chatting (naturally) about how excited she was for baby to come. She said, "I can't wait until I'm a mom, but don't worry, I won't be one for a long time. Not even when I'm thirteen." Yikes! As usual, I let her know that she should probably wait until she's done with college and married. "Oh yes. And I'm going to marry someone who is dark. Not dark like me, but really dark. So that I can have beautiful brown babies with dark brown skin and brown hair that smells like chocolate." Where does she get this stuff? I assure her that I would love to have little brown, chocolate-smelling grandchildren one day. However, now I was curious to know if there were any other stipulations for her husband to be. Yeah. There are. Alaina started rattling them off like a machine gun. It actually took me a minute to realize that I wanted all of this in writing, so I made her take a breath and started jotting everything she had already said down, before I let her continue. Fortunately, she was able to repeat most everything back to me. Prepare yourself for the most detailed list - ever. If she can find this guy, it will be like winning the lotto. (I must add, before you read this list, that I honestly didn't prompt, guide or lead the conversation in any way. These are actually the words that my silly goose came up with on her own. Once I asked the question, she was off...I still am shaking my head at the word 'synergies.' When I asked her if she knew what that meant, she sure did. At least she's a girl who knows what she wants out of life, right?)

alaina's future husband's list

kind to others
dark skin
dark hair
dark eyes with golden rings (very specific here)
good at any sport, except basket ball. (why? "Because basketball players are too tall.")
same height as dada
nice
a good listener at school
doesn't hit anybody
a good grade-er (gets good grades)
goes to college
gets a good job
go to church
believes in Jesus
and God
isn't mean to kids
wants to have at least 5 or under kids "cause I don't want 9 kids!"
is loving
is funny
is able to teach our kids about Jesus
has a book of mormon
is nice to play with
good sportsmanship
follows the seven habits for a successful kid (they learn this at school)
be proactive
take good charge yourself
think win-win
synergies
be respectful
responsible
always does his best

"And that's all, for now."

So. This one might take a bit of networking. I better start now. Anyone know of any, well, perfect kid around 8 or 9 years old? Keep me posted.

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The other night at dinner Robert was teasing the kids about Halloween. He was going off about how the kids will all get 'big booties' if ate too much Halloween candy. This made all of the kids giggle. Then he continued to expound on the subject. Like what types of candy with make certain types of big booties. It doesn't take much to get my kids, and I really mean, my boys...specifically...Ethan, to get into a conversation like that. Before we knew it he was standing up, shaking he bum at us, chanting, "look at my booty, look at my booty!" At that time, I knew it was time to calm the conversation down. I cleared my throat and said, "Alright guys. Enough about the booties. It's never nice to joke around about..." At this time Alaina interrupted. "You know Mama doesn't like it when we talk about booties..." The laughter starts dying down and her voice remains loud and clear. "Because Mama has such a BIG..." It is only at this point that Alaina realizes that the room is silent. That I'm staring at her with big, shocked eyes. That the boys are about to bust with laughter. That even Daddy is barely keeping himself together. Unable to figure out what about her sentence was causing such a reaction, she quickly decides that it was the word itself that was the problem. Slowly, she finishes the sentence. "...uh...Bum?" Laughter explodes out of all the boys. I shout out an indignant, "Laina!" Still confused she smiles nervously and mutters, "Bottom?" Alright. I can take it. Alaina is nothing, if not honest. Of course, after we all stopped laughing and I finally explained to her that I had a perfectly fine sized booty she quickly started to backpedal. And when that girl backpedals, she invariably goes to the opposite extreme. "Oh no. I mean, you have a perfect bum. A beautiful, perfect bum. Just the right size!" I'll spare you the rest of the tirade about my, now, perfect bottom, but let it suffice, that I'm pretty sure that from her lengthy description, we need to cast this little piece of perfection in bronze. Lots of bronze.

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Alaina got on student council. Are you shocked? She was so excited and kept trying to tell me the different positions that the council leaders held. She said, "Well, first there's the president. Then there is the advice president..." Not too far off.

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Austin was doing his chore and he got frustrated when all of us kept telling him different things to put away. He cried out, "Stop it. I'm so complicated!"

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While we were watching conference we heard a talk about a woman who was a nurse on the Titanic when it sank. Instead of going on a life-boat to save herself, she chose to help the wounded who were on the ship. The kids weren't listening... something that I made clear with some grumpy comment. Without looking up from his lego-creation, Austin said, "yes, I was listening. There was a lady who didn't have a light-bulb and so she drowned." Close.

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Austin is having a hard time at school. His best friend is also friends with a girl he likes to refer to as 'my enemy.' The way he says it, it sounds like a super hero talking about his 'archenemy.'

This girl, from what alaina and austin have both said, has, in fact, started to tease both of them. Alaina responded to it in a perfectly Alaina way. "She called me 'Weird' and Molly (her bff) double-weird. I just ignored her and said, 'oh well' after she left." Austin, of course, doesn't handle the teasing so well. What made it harder for him to take was that after the girl teased him, she talked his best and only friend to join a pretend cheer-leading group. When I finally got him to talk about it, he was inconsolable. He was a sad, puddle of angry tears and no matter what I said, he wouldn't calm down. Alaina, who usually has a way with him, didn't seem to know the right thing to say to him either. Our unlikely hero of the day ended up being Ethan. Without any hesitation, he came over and told Austin exactly how he was going to solve the problem. I didn't exactly agree with all of his tactics, but I held my tongue. Slowly Austin started to calm down as he listened to Ethan's game plan. It was a definite take-charge situation and Ethan couldn't have been more sure of himself. I wrote down the main ideas as best as I could remember them.

1. I'll come over there and talk to the lunch lady.

2. I have a new friend who is nice to everyone and he does whatever I tell him to do. He would be nice to you if I told him to be. I'll play with him the first recess and you can have him the second recess. (poor child doesn't know what's coming to him.)

3. if you play with him I will give you two of my toys. the ones I don't like anymore. actually I don't like most of my toys so I will give 100 of them to you and you have to play with Taylor for a week.

4. I know another guy who will come over and break up the group by yelling like this, "na na na na na na na na!"...and he won't stop until everyone wants to leave. He is really good at that.

5. I'll come and meet you at recess with Taylor at the red bench.

While Ethan was talking, I imagined him at age 20, leaning over to Austin with a Boston accent saying, "Don't worry. I know-a guy." As funny as some of Ethan's ideas were, the main point that came across loud and clear was that Ethan was going to protect his little brother. I guess that was exactly the thing that Austin needed most.

After school the next day, Ethan told me that he walked straight over to that group of girls and told them what was what. I reminded him that he should never threaten anyone...especially girls. He smiled and told me. "Well, I didn't have to say anything. They just saw me come over and knew that I was a big strong boy and I stayed there until they left." In actuality, Austin told me that he went to the recess lady himself and she came over and broke up the group. I think I can let Ethan believe he handled this one himself. And if anyone else needs to break up a pretend cheer-leading group of elementary girls....I know-a guy.