Today is Mother's Day. As I write this, I hear the sounds of my 5 children and husband all outside, romping around on a trampoline built for 2. They are laughing and chatting and some of them are crying here and there. I, on the other hand, am sitting on my bed writing this little post. This is part of my gift...time to sit back and reflect for a few minutes without feeling like I need to jump in and take over the parenting.
I started today with a shower. That may be the most coveted sentence any mother could write. A hot, unhurried shower that was never interrupted by anyone's little (or big) voice. And then the unimaginable; I went back to bed. Because I felt like it. Ahhhhh. Mother's Day. It really is the best day of the year.
Robert made a scrumptious breakfast of crepes with all the toppings. Delicious. Then he proved me wrong when I told him that there was no way he'd be ready for church on time with only 1/2 hour to go and the little boys still in a bath. Superman made it with a minute to spare. When we got home I just hung out with the little boys while dinner was being made by Robert and Alaina. I'm telling you. It's the life. They pulled together a beautiful fruit salad, steak, bbq'd corn and a salad. I'm starting to think that this mothering thing maybe a lot easier than I thought. I mean, Robert pulled it together no problem. I'm considering hiring him full time. :)
Look at this fun picture of us. I decided to be like 'The King and I' and mandate that no person should ever stand higher than The Mother. We were on a pretty steep incline...so I nearly got my wish.
As I look at this picture, I can't shake the memory of how I felt 15 years ago. I had just suffered through an ectopic pregnancy where one of my tiny baby twin embryos had lodged itself in my fallopian tube and done just what it was suppose to do. It grew. It grew and grew until it ruptured that fallopian tube in half. Still, to this day, I have never felt such terrible pain. But it was what came later, after waiting in a dark hallway in the middle of the night until a doctor could be brought in, that really made me lose all me hope. Sitting there, with my mom standing sentinel behind me, I watched on the monitor as my body filled with blood and realized that all my dreams of being a mother had just ended. The heavy silence smothered me with despair. I felt a strange loneliness encompass almost all my other feelings. It was a loneliness of the barren. An emptiness that stretched from that moment through all my future years. I could hardly bare the raw intensity of it.
The one remaining little fetus still had a heart beat, but it was very slow and the doctors knew it wouldn't survive. Just a week before that horrible day, I had heard both of those babies' heartbeats; their cheerful, strong beats had bounced off the walls. It would take over a month before I would lose that second twin. This meant that I started grieving for my first lost baby, right there, in that quiet room. During next month, however, I fought with conflicting feelings of hope and despair. I wanted to hope for a miracle, but I felt, so very strongly, that I would lose the second baby as well. When the day came and we found out that the second baby had passed, all those crazy pent up emotions resurfaced and in that sadness, I honestly believed that I could never have a baby of my own.
It took a while to heal both emotionally and physically. Besides the ectopic rupture of my tube, I had also been through a year of infertility treatments/drugs and during in-vitro, two months of intense daily shots (the big guns!) My body was worn out and sore and my heart was broken.
Now, look at that picture above again. 15 years later and I am still in a bit of shock that those are my babies that I'm holding. Those big humans next to me, are my very own teenagers. It has been a very loud, very chaotic, very happy 15 years. Some of our days have been full of adventure and excitement while many of our days have been full of diapers and dishes. We've had times of tears, laughter, anxiety and exuberance, however, none of it has been lonely. The emptiness that I felt and feared for my future has become exactly the opposite.
I guess I could look back at those dark moments of mine and dismiss them. It would be easy to say that I was just being overly dramatic and perhaps I should have known that life would bring me all I so deeply desired, if only I had the patience to wait for it. Except, those feelings were as real and meaningful as any of the joy I now have at being a mother. Maybe those feelings made me a better mother than I would have been without them. With such a deep loss I have never taken my happiness for granted. I love being a mother. I have cherished each moment with my babies, especially those quiet moments in the middle of the night. I have spoiled my toddlers and I have held desperately on to my teenagers.
I am constantly amazed at these five, very unique, children of mine. Had I never been able to have them, I'm sure I would have filled my need to 'mother' in some other way. Life would never have stayed in the dark place I had previously found myself. However, I sure am grateful that, through one way or another, I now find myself surrounded by these beautiful souls.
Happy Mother's Day
