The very last day of August, Ethan graduated from his 6 months stay at Sundance, Residential  Rehabilitation Center.  It was a long six months to be away from him and it was an even longer six month stay for him to be away from us.

I wasn't able to get to the graduation, and so I only have the pictures that other people sent to me.  But I was able to send a letter with Robert to have read in my place.

My parents, and my brother Craig and Robbyn, and Kari were able to be there.  And of course Robert.  I really wish I had a copy of what Robert said, but from what I heard it was very thoughtful and emotional.

We are so proud of Ethan for completing the program.

When Ethan left for Sundance, we were all frightened and exhausted.  It felt like Ethan had been spiraling down this chasm of self-destruction, grief and anger for the last year, and there was nothing we could do to slow his fall.  We watched as his choices started to close doors to his future and we feared that he was going to find himself in a place that we would never be able to help him out of. 

As a mother, I was terrified for my beautiful son: my child of chaos.  I was afraid of his anger and rage.  Most of all, I was afraid that he wouldn't find happiness or stability.  I was afraid that he would close himself off from the future I know he has the potential to have.

Sending Ethan to Sundance was very difficult.  It was a blatant visual that, no matter how much we wanted to help him, we didn't have the tools or ability to do it ourselves.  Ethan needed more than we had to give.

Here at Sundance, separated from the triggers and crutches that we represented to him, Ethan was able to learn so much more about himself.  Having Darrin not only guide him through his actions, but helping him understand why he did what he did was perhaps the greatest gift that Ethan could receive. 

Watching Ethan become more self-aware and working through his communication with others instead of self-sabotaging or pushing people away, has been a wonderful thing to see.  He has matured so much in these last six months.  We are proud of his work and amazed at his progress.

We never sent Ethan away in hopes of getting a different kid.  We didn't want him magically changed into some story-book, perfect child.  ("you just pointed to all of me"…how to train your dragon.)  More than anything, we wanted Ethan to find a way to understand and accept the person he already is.  We wanted him to find joy in his future and peace with his ability to communicate with others…especially those who love him the most.

And, no matter what his Dad says, I'm the one who loves him the most.  I'm his mama.

I'm excited to have our not-perfect son come back and live in his not-perfect home with his not-perfect mom and dad and not-perfect sister and brothers  (except for Emmett…'cause we all know he actually is perfect.)

It is exciting to have a fresh start to make new mistakes and work on fixing them in a better, healthier way than we knew how to before.  I love you so much, Ethan. 

Congratulations on finishing your program.